(For an explanation on this and other posts under “Raw, Real and Unplugged” see this post.)
April 13, 2013 Saturday 5:30 a.m.ish
Stripped. Sad. Pissed!
Looking very much forward to appropriately moving through this muck to something better… not asking for a change of circumstances, but rather a change of heart, of perspective, of attitude within the ones I am already in. Right now though. In this moment. I must be Real about how I feel. This is not who I want to be, but in this moment I am struggling to get past the base human emotions that have attached themselves to our circumstances.
No good entering into comparing and lamenting what I don’t have versus what someone else does have, because there is always somebody on the other side that is less fortunate than I. No real good going there.
BUT I WANT TO FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF! So I compare myself to others (especially back in the States… man I realize how spoiled we were living in the United States of America!) who are living “luxuriously” and still complain about what they do not have… They can buy whatever groceries they want… can splurge on dining out… can every now and again get themselves special treats and goodies (toys, makeup, clothing, house-wares, kitchen gadgets, a new car…) and can buy whatever groceries they want! (I already said that.) Certainly some of those are a bit of a stretch for some, but really, they are fairly easy to come by. When a friends birthday rolls around they can easily purchase a little something to ‘show they care’, and CERTAINLY are free to buy their own children/spouses something(s) really special when their birthday (or Christmas or Easter or Valentines Day…) roll around.
I’m mad at that! I want that!!! I want to scream and pout and say “IT’S NOT FAIR!” My own childrens’ birthdays come around and I hope we can find anything for them with the pennies we have. And I hope and HOPE the creativity comes to me to make it special with very little, including hoping I can pull together a cake and a nice-ish meal with the usually scanty pantry we maintain.
AND YET… we DO HAVE PENNIES to spend!!! Even if meager and frugal, we can buy food and a small gift—we CAN! It is nothing compared to what we knew in the States… a pile of presents on the table including one present for each non-birthday child so that everyone would look forward to each and every birthday… and ANY MEAL I WANTED TO CREATE—ANY MEAL. In our current life-position we have much less materially and monetarily, but make up for that in creativity, making the simplest of ingredients and gifts into something special. I KNOW this to be true. But I still lament what was lost and what I think I do not have. And I feel tired and stretched in this place of restriction and its demand for constant-creativity.
AND YET I realize/recognize that even in our current restriction, we still have much more than a huge portion of this world’s population. How dare I compare and complain!
But I must be Real. I feel an ache. I feel hurt, and angry. It feels so unfair that certain ones are sitting pretty in their beautiful houses with their stuff and their $ and their reputations in-tact while we are outcast clear across the world, looked down upon on by the “uppers”, taken advantage of, and unappreciated. It feels unfair. It feels unjust.
And here I sit… pregnant for the 10th time (not easy!) because I sincerely feel in my heart it is good and right; and I want always to be open to life, not shutting it out. But the world shuns me. Calls me stupid, naïve, ridiculous, uneducated, old fashioned, unwise, FOOLISH. And it appears that I am! I am receiving no special treatment, no pampering, nothing that confirm on the outside that this thing I am doing, that I believe in, has true value and validity. All natural circumstances point to and confirm my foolishness. I lament… In the States I had designer maternity jeans… here I have NO maternity wear at all! Nor do we have extra pennies to purchase any. If any extra money comes along, I’d buy groceries… or needed clothing for the kids… or work jeans for Dusty… or seeds for the garden… or curriculum… or chicken food… or gumboots for Lloyd so he doesn’t have to wear mine—the Hunter ones I love so much because they are feminine and have a wedge… stylin’ for me but not for my 11 year old son! I LAMENT!!! AND YET–What a great sport Lloyd is not blinking an eye at having to wear my boots! He’s just happy to have something that he can throw on when its time to hunt eels or go fishing. Lloyd has not once complained. What a gift. WHAT A GIFT! Thank You Lord!! These are the treasures gained in this space and time. Things you cannot buy… selflessness, gratitude. Priceless!
There is ABSOLUTELY Good, Beautiful, Pure fruit coming from this deep pruning. And although I lament it at times, I am NOT asking for it to change. I want FULLNESS and can see that these are the places where that kind of depth is cultivated. In the midst of the trials when I want to scream “WHY?!”, I am reminded by Graham Cooke to ask instead, “Father, what does this mean and what must I do?”
I KNOW that You Love me and that this trial is for my upgrade. I know also that it is packed full of gifts and treasures—I want EVERY ONE of them. Everything You give is PERFECT and Lovely… and something I cannot get for myself. No money can buy what comes from You. I want YOUR Gifts. I CHOOSE Your Gifts over the luxuries of the world. Steady me as I go Father. You know my weakness, my frailty, and the whirling of powerful emotions within me. BUT You are Bigger and more Powerful than those and I give You full reign and authority over them—over me—because even in all Your Power and Might I also know You to be Gentle and Kind…
I Trust You.
Surely… SURELY You are Good! (Psalm 73:1)
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