a little leaven, anxiety, body mind spirit, cleansing, control, Father Son Holy Spirit, fear, Goodness of God, Kindness of the Father, logic and reason, poison, repentance, sin, smile-less, spider bite, spider venom, The Blood of Jesus, worry
(For an explanation on this and other posts under “Raw, Real and Unplugged” see this post.)
This is a seemingly awful and hopeless title–I know! Indulge me for a moment and remember that this is Raw, Real and Unplugged. I write this from the comfort of my bed where I have been ‘living’ for almost three days now. Spider bite. Ah well, might as well make something good of it! And although the title doesn’t look too promising, I assure you that this post ends in Hope.
p.s. There is potentially a little delirium along the way as well.
Love and Blessings to you all!
*Note on REVISION… This post was bugging me! I know UNPLUGGED is not about revisions… but somehow in its original version it did not properly display my heart. I’ve learned how to speak ‘Christian-ese’ really well over the last years and sometimes that “knowledge” interferes with my ability to be Real with even myself. And thus I am reposting this as REVISED. And feel much better for it.
May 7, 2013 Tuesday 7:25 p.m.
A Smile-less Season.
It persists. Those natural spontaneous smiles stimulated by joy or a sense of well-being are few and far between. The whole family feels it. Every day is a fight to remain in Gratitude. We ARE winning! But we’re tired.
Yesterday morning I woke up to an itchy spot on my foot. Upon closer examination Dusty and I suspected a spider bite. No big deal. It didn’t hurt. Just a little itch. I carried on without much notice until about 10 o’clock when I hit a big wall. It was Ted’s nap time so I got the rest of the kids sorted and laid myself down for a nap as well. I slept/rested in bed for nearly three hours until Ted woke up. I carried on with the day, although never felt quite right. Went to bed early feeling achy. Awake for two hours in the middle of the night… talked myself through to relaxation and finally, sleep. Woke at 5:45 a.m. with Dusty to help him prep for work then carried on with the girls and prepping them for school. STILL not feeling quite right, but trying to push through took the kids to Oxford Library where we were looking for a Boxcar Children book we had not read. The book was already checked out! But no worries, we found some others. I had big plans to hit the supermarket in Rangiora on the way back (empty pantry and fridge—literally!) but COULDN”T. I felt awful! Went straight home, sorted the kids, and back to bed for me… I’ve been here ever since minus a few mandatory obligations (potty, Teddy, wash a load of diapers CRITICAL, a visitor at the door). Thankfully Dusty took care of dinner—he’s the BEST!
I don’t understand this season at all!
Such incredible depletion!! And no refill in sight.
BUT I Believe You to Be All-Powerful, All-Knowing and All-Love… that You have a REALLY GOOD reason for allowing these things to come at us when it was certainly within Your power to stop them. I want to travel this road well, gleaning every last drop of Goodness and Revelation from the season we are in.
Take me deeper. Open my eyes to See.
How is it that we moved to the one place in the world that is almost entirely void of ALL dangerous creatures and I am bit by the ONE poisonous thing out there!?
Oh well; I appreciate the rest. Not even I am questioning my time spent in bed, nor am I trying to push through… no energy. I’m content to stay in bed and let everything and everyone do what they want. Mostly. Until I sense utter chaos and then I start barking orders. But the kids are awesome! Our training seems to be paying off.
May 8, 2013 Wednesday 2:34 a.m.
Awake EARLY with chills… something I have not dealt with for ages!
I was achy going to bed so took a Tylenol (Panadol) to help me sleep. Forgot that Tylenol often sends me into a world of fevers and chills—it gives me sweats while I’m on it (kind of like that part because I feel warm) and then chills when it wears off. I’m in the chill section now, and know the only remedy to be a hot bath. And THANK YOU LORD… WE HAVE ONE!!!! And I took one—even in the middle of the night.
The bath helped take the edge off… now back in bed bundled in several layers with a hot “coctail” (cider vinegar, lemon, honey and hot water). In this place, no longer half awake and half asleep I am alert, and I can fight for Truth. So here I am.
Before bed I thought to grab my Bible for a quick peek. I admittedly rarely pick it up lately… still digesting years and years of scriptures consumed on my own… and years and years of scriptures force-fed as well. I’m full! I need some time to DIGEST. Lots of time.
Anyway, I reached for my Bible and it opened to Matthew chapter 6. My eye was caught by the only sentence marked on that page (“You cannot serve both God and money.”)… which led to reading the context around it saying “DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT YOUR LIFE…(and so on)”. MmmKay. Yep, that’s me–anxious… in spite of the fight to get away from it. And I’ve done really well! I mean really! I’ve pushed out A LOT of anxiety and worry in these last years! But even so, if anxiety exists in even the tiniest corner of the mind, it’s still there. And that little bit of ‘venom’ can poison the whole body—IS poisoning the whole body! (You know… “a little leaven spoils the whole loaf”… yada yada.) My tiny little spider bite is evidence of this. Teeny tiny little bite. Miniscule amount of venom. And I am sick in bed for days! My whole body effected.
Although on this journey I have traveled deep into the Land of Trust, apparently a cord remains connecting me to my old “friends”… Worry, Fear, Anxiety and Control. NO THANK YOU! These “friends” have NOT served me well! They pretend to be my friends offering guidance and wisdom, but they only lead to darkness and despair. Have I left a little ‘life-line’ to them “just in case” following You didn’t/doesn’t work out??
How the heck to I break that off?? In the moment I only know to “Plead the Blood of Jesus” over every last area of my life where fear, anxiety, worry, concern, and control have had a link to me—whether I connected to them voluntarily or involuntarily. (THIS IS THE THEORY ANYWAY… I’m still in the process of observing how this works…)
In any case, I am sorry for entertaining them for so long (fear, worry etc…)! I did not realize what I was doing! In fact I thought they were a help along the way… warning me of this, prompting me of that… steering me clear of danger etc. Yeah right!! These guys STINK! And are full of venom. And it is this bitter venom that is puckering our lips to the point that I would label this “A Smile-less Season”.
The only thing I can think of that would be Powerful and Sweet enough to neutralize venom is The Blood. Again THEORETICALLY speaking. I have “knowledge” of this and have yet to see it really work. But somehow I believe that it does… or it can. I’m so tired of the darkness that poisons and robs that I am more than happy to carry on with this journey to see what happens. To have the Light of Your all-consuming Love expose ALL the darkness and perversity in my life. I don’t even care who sees as long as I can be cleansed and refreshed. Carry me through my Sweet and Holy, Gentle Father. My body is weak and frail, naked and cold, used, abused, mistreated…
Mistreated by my alleged “friends” (Fear, Anxiety, Worry, Control) YES…
But also by ME!
Holy Moly!… Once again, I did not realize what I was doing! I thought I was doing what was right! But I have sorely mistreated this body and mind—this temple—that You built! Forcing it to labor as a slave to my own whims; and forcing it to serve other masters as well… people, entities, guilt, shame, condemnation, fear, worry, anxiety, ‘concern’…
I am sorry for that dear ‘body’! And I relent… I give up the reigns and controls over you (my body)… you may answer to Him and Him alone from here on out.
And ‘mind’ … I have controlled you as well… sweet, dear, tired mind of mine. I have demanded that you be in control all these years, serving under the masters called Logic and Reason, when always and ever you were designed to serve the Spirit. I release you to BE and to DO as you were created.
Father… the rest is up to You. May Your will be done—and Your Kingdom come. Leave not even the tiniest of venom to fester.
I LOVE hearing from you… all the juicy bits… whether you agree or disagree or just need to rant… keep the comments coming!
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