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(For an explanation on this and other posts under “Raw, Real and Unplugged” see this post.)

This is a LONG conversation bouncing between Polly and myself throughout the month of May.  I’ve included our dialogue in its entirety as one note builds on another and it didn’t seem appropriate to leave anything out.  We both consented to posting this for others to view; our reason being that sometimes seeing/reading about other’s real life situations can be helpful to one’s own.  As usual, this post is uncensored except for a couple occasions where I altered a name to protect outside individuals that were mentioned in our letters.

Per usual, my heart goes out to you through this ‘rugged’ section of afullpod.

Love and Blessings!

BigSis

(p.s. A couple links you may want to access after reading this… one is a link to Polly’s blog.  The other will take you to a post about the weekend trip Dusty and I took that is mentioned a couple of times throughout these letters.  Also, a quick bit of history on Polly so you can understand what she is talking about in relation to having babies.  After her third baby was born she made what at the time seemed like a Good and Reasonable decision to have her tubes tied.  Since that decision she has wrestled with her choice to the point that if you asked her opinion on the subject today, she would tell any woman “DON’T DO IT”.  I love Polly’s openness about her life and her personal-trials, it gives me Perspective and Hope; and I look forward to hearing more of her journey as she travels.)

May 18, 2013 (from New Zealand)

Subject: It’s a…

BOY!!!

And due later than I thought… Oct. 8

BigBets kindly let the rest of the kiddos hang at her new house in town while i went for an ultra sound at a clinic that felt like a spa… i left feeling like I’d been pampered but had only had an ultrasound.  Saw baby boy do a big yawn that melted my heart.  Amazing how each baby is fully its own!  And a whole new bundle of Love blossoms for just that ONE, without taking away from the others.

Now for names…. we’re not sure on that one.  Seems we are drawn to old-fashioned boy names… Hmmmm…. Any ideas??

Out of the blue we had two people offer to watch kiddos some weekend so Dusty and I could get away.  That was a HUGE HUGE deal!  I had written off our chances of doing anything for a long long time; and had completely given up the idea of asking anyone as it just hasn’t seemed right to do so.  Anyway, next weekend works great for both of them and Dusty gets to take one day off with pay because he just finished his house and did a super-duper job.  So next Friday Saturday Sunday we get to sneak away (probably with Teddy too).  It’s harvest season here so we may try to venture toward the orchard and vineyard country.

A little more on “asking”.  Both Janelle and Cody have recently shared a little of their thoughts and experiences about what they are learning in the area of  ‘asking’ and about the blessing of being rightly connected to a ‘community’.  I felt that both of them spoke beautifully about what they are learning and was glad to see the excitement and revelation they were gaining in this area.  It was also challenging to me as I feel like I’m in an opposite situation and hearing their stories made me question the validity of my own position.  As they are learning to connect and to lean on The Body for support in their places of need and weakness, I feel drawn to pull AWAY from everyone and everything and to NOT ASK anyone but the Lord about my needs.  For me I feel too tempted to play on people’s emotions and good-will… dropping little hints here and there to steer their good-will in my direction.  I’m really beginning to notice the subtle manipulation tactics we can easily call upon for extra umph when the going gets tough and we really feel needy.  We learn this even as babies and use it all through our lives.  So much so that we don’t recognize our actions as anything out of order.  I have relied on this for too long and no longer want to carry the follow-up obligation that generally follows “gifts” from using this tactic.  If I have used any sort of manipulation (no matter how subtle) to gain something, I ALWAYS feel obligated to repay in some form on the other side.  If a gift comes spontaneously and unexpectedly without any prodding of my own I can receive it freely and without feeling obligation to repay.  This is AGAIN another theory of mine, more so than Truth born from experience.  All I know is that I do not like how I feel functioning in the other system and it is time for a change.  I want to KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that the gifts and treasures that come to me are from the Lord and not conjured up by my own devices.

Any way…. all that to say that I was excited to watch this request that I’ve laid before the Lord many a time become a reality WITHOUT any prodding of my own.  I can relax in it and REALLY embrace it because I really feel it is from the Lord and not a manifestation of my own devices…. which means that the Lord will see it through to the end and I do not have to carry the weight and pressure of ensuring that each step of the journey works out.  NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.  I like that!!!!

This is NOT to say that Janelle and Cody’s journey’s aren’t also legit and rich in revelation and understanding. I felt that both of them spoke beautifully and from their hearts about their own journeys.  I just needed to give myself permission to have my OWN journey and not feel bad if mine doesn’t look like theirs.

Last bit before I hit the hay… dyed my hair again to even it out.  Some of the dye from before didn’t get to certain parts of my hair.  Dyed it a bit darker and feel like it is more black than brown.

Oh dear… I’m falling asleep at the wheel… (aka keyboard).

Will have to write more later.

Ta ta for now!

Love you.

Tica

May 19, 2013 (from America)

Yahoôoooo.  Hes due on aliyahs bday!!!! Cant wait! I definitely agree with feeling i manipulate in many tiny ways and cringe at myself…i Love when unexpected gifts come too because its 100% traced to jesus and not ourselves…. And i understand humans are christs vessels and sometimes need prodding, but i dont want to prod gifts that theyre supposed to give either…id rather not have the gift if they didnt hear from the lord to give…With that said i also know there are times the lord prods us to challenge others and im willing to challenge someone to give if and only if im certain its from god. Anywho, lately im wanting to talk to you face to face with hugs and tears intermingled all while holding eachothers babies…this internet is a gift but will never replace real contact with you. Love you too much! Polly

May 19, 2013  (from New Zealand)

I seem to always write when I am heading to bed so a little scattered in my thinking sometimes…. Just wanted to say…. Push into that last bit about being physically in touch… The Lord knows and is SO good… Certainly He’s got something up his sleeve and loves to give us hope.  It was pretty amazing that I made it back last August, so something can/will certainly be able to happen again! I’m going to bed now asking for dreams of hope and truth to show me more.  Surely God is Good!  We just KNOW He is don’t we!  And surely we can ask our amazingly Kind and Awesome Daddy for a glimmer of hope as we travel.  Surely He would like to give us Hope.  Don’t you think?

More later when I’m not so tired.

Love you tons!!!

Tica

May 20, 2013 (from New Zealand)

No dreams that I can remember last night. Just woke up with the song “bring me two piña coladas, one for each hand, lets set snail with captain Morgan, and never leave dry land, troubles I’ve forgot em buried em in the sand…” Annoying! But I suppose it could mean something 😉

May 21, 2013 (from New Zealand)

Subject: Can I Vent?

Tried skyping you just now.  Its 11:09 a.m. and after the morning necessities I’ve been wandering to and fro keeping myself busy but without any real direction or focus.  I was going to try to go to the library today with the kids, but don’t really feel up to it.  Doesn’t feel like I have the Grace for it and would be an effort exclusively driven by my own energy stores and not supported on the wings of the Spirit.  So much nicer when He is behind my effort!  Not sure WHERE His energy is focused right now.  He’s NOT DOING WHAT I THINK HE SHOULD!!!

I think He should be giving me some momentum with my homeschool kids.  But NO. Nothing!  Homeschooling is seemingly a disastrous flop for me as I wait on the Lord for energy and motivation… or so I tell myself.  Am I just being lazy?  Or is the Lord steering us in another direction altogether that is sincerely unconventional and really going to be OK?  Day after day I wake up hoping that ‘today will be the day’ that we FINALLY get the momentum I’ve been waiting for and I can begin to see concrete fruit of our unconventional journey.  No such luck.  Another day comes and goes with nothing to show but terrible spelling, slow reading, and primitive math.

I feel terribly guilty because I wake up each day and all I want to do is write.  In my journal.  On the blog.  To you.  I just want to snuggle into a cozy spot with a warm drink, and write.  I don’t really care what the kids do.  I don’t care if I do school with them or not.  In fact lately I’d rather not because neither of us are motivated and it feels like such an energy drain.  Occasionally I feel like doing some minor cooking, but only because i’m hungry and feel like more than leftover pancakes.  But nothing fancy… full flavor with minimal effort is the name of the game these days.

Mothering is not so hot right now either.  Hasn’t been for a while.  Again, only because I am comparing to some “norm” that I’m not sure who created.  But I’m not fitting in.  The kids are having more tussles than usual and I just stop and stare at them, then turn around and walk away letting them sort it out for themselves.  Not that it always gets sorted either.  Sometimes it just lingers and lingers and lingers until someone gets hurt, or I yell, or it just fizzles out temporarily.  If I’m not completely sure of how to handle the situation, I turn away from it and in my heart am saying to HS “You’re going to have to handle that one.  I’m not sure what to do.”  “Oh and by the way, this one too…” “Uh Huh.  And that one…”  “In fact.  I’m checking out altogether.  Your turn.  I just don’t feel I’ve got it in me right now.  Not sure when I’ll be back.”

Monotony.  That’s what the days feel like.  It seems that I must have been designed for more than the existence I’m living.  It seems so… pointless… and small.  Nothing wrong with small.  But annoying to me when I feel the capacity inside of me for something BIG… or at least bigGER.  I just don’t feel like I’m functioning FULLY as I was designed to function.  I mean how sad for someone like Jamie Oliver to have remained a dishwasher all his life when his potential is to be THE chef.  I’m getting tired of reading articles like this one http://www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word.html?ID=12122 that give me a glimmer of hope and excitement, and then all things appear to be the same and I succumb again to “reality”… “Reality” SUCKS!  I refuse to believe it!  Even if it is “real”.  Why can’t we rewrite the script?  Aren’t there other possibilities for life?  Surely if God is even a whisper of Who I think He is there HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS!

Alright.  Enough for today.  I think I’ll go make my next post… unveiling my new hair.  I dyed it again and it’s pretty much black.  Challenging me.  Pushing me to be ME in spite of how I look.  The dark color necessitates makeup every morning or I feel totally washed out.  Feel a bit vain.  But somehow its right for the season??

Another confession… of insecurity.  I love writing on the blog because I get to be ME… fully ME without regard for what any one person may think or say.  And yet, I still have something in me that is too easily steered by the opinions (or non-opinions) of man.  I am annoyed at myself that I care if anyone is reading the blog or not.  I am annoyed that I am uplifted when I get a nice comment and crushed when no one comments or looks at what I’ve just written.  I want to be OK… TOTALLY SECURE… NO MATTER WHAT.  I don’t want to care, or even look to see, of anyone is reading.  I pretend I don’t care, but somewhere inside I still do, and every once in a while peek to see who and where people are reading.  Raw confession.  Time to be done with that!

And now time to send this off.  Seems my charger is not working and the battery is almost dead.  Hmmmm….

Thanks for being a sounding board.

Love you!

Tica

May 21, 2013 (in America)

Once again, youve made my night…and captured many of my emotions concerning stairing blankly at my babies as they scream for me during tussles… i often honestly dont hear them any more!   I, like you have no answers and get pissed often at HS. Why cant i have more babies…or why cant he take away my desire? Does he have mercy on me for my decision? Does he think it was a poor one? I feel ive robbed myself and heaven.   Im very very torn on school for you? Have you asked the kids what they feel in their hearts? Have you given them the full responsibility to choose to learn? I wonder if, just as we show them christ by example and dont shove him down their throats; if we should do that with school? Make it ready and available each day and let them choose?  And just pray that god will give them a spark and desire for whatever knowledge they need for their calling to be complete.  Im happily sad these days.. i see you,heather, myself, and more really deeply in a wrestling match with things in life and feel confusion and anger for what seems like broken promises from HS but then get this peace that says…its bigger and much more beutiful than it seems…this is life …rich life….to struggle daily and have to gasp for air all while smiling and remaining calm…

Random-laughed my buns off at what you woke up with after asking for a dream!!!!! Loved it!

Im going to ask for dreams tonight and see what comes

Jeremy and X had a Huge blowout today! Im more proud of jeremy than ive been of anyone in my life! I love him soooooo much and cannot believe how he handles the disrespect and hurtful words hes been spat with…. he is not allowing X to work him until 9pm and on weekends . And will not allow X to speak to him as a dictator would and is calling him on the way he treats his wife and family… little jer has been released to lead and stand firm and show love when its most undeserved….( i know you can relate with dusty.)

As i was ignoring one of avalons 20 screaming tantrums today, jer arrived minutes after being torn apart by X and just scooped precious screaming angel up and held her and held her and held her. She immediately stopped and sang and danced the rest of the night… im bawling right now out of happiness and sadness regarding that… thank you jesus for taking care of them despite me.

Ps- i love your blog insecurities…. first of all….  i freaking love each and every entry sooooo deeply…second, a friend was here today for a visit and mentioned that your entries saved her mindset for life, mothering, and being of a different mindset… she is soooo encourage by you….third, i dont post much on my blog because of that insecurity … i dont post unless im sure one person will like it at least… how stupid! Youve now encouraged me to post whatever the hell I want with bold confidence and no expectations of any readers!
On that note…. how do i follow your blog ? Is there a way to get status updates if you’ve posted something new? I just go on yours randomly and pick whatever looks good at the moment 😉  not too savvy yet.

Ahhh i know youre right about seeing you face to face….. i need to dig into that more for direction and dream big.

Im heading to sleep.. love you

May 23, 2013 (in New Zealand)

Thanks for ALL of this!  LOVE YOU!!!

Rainy Fall day here.  Fire cooking in the awesomely efficient fireplace we have.  Keeps the living area of the house nice and warm.  I am SOOOO grateful!!!!

We just hit up the library yesterday and the boys are happily devouring books… Kaleb an encyclopedia on animals and Lloyd a Star Wars Comic Book 🙂 … And I’m happy with both… Kaleb soaking in “knowledge”, Lloyd practicing his reading… both appropriately situated for the moment… which leaves me content for the time being to find my place amongst them on the couch and write to you.

Loved hearing about Jeremy.  Melted my heart to picture him gently holding screaming Avalon after having been treated exactly opposite during his day.  Talk about “moving in the opposite spirit”.  Makes me so proud… of HIM YES… AND of YOU!!!  Who he is today is largely attributed to who you have been to him over the last years… what you have poured into him, ‘prayed’ over him, spoken to him and of him, etc…. and vice versa.  Carry on you two!!!

As for homeschooling… This is definitely top-subject for me of late.  Your questions were great to stimulate pondering.  And right on track with my thought process.  When I get everyone else’s voice and opinion out of my mind I feel totally confident about where we are at!  I am not worried at all!  And I just KNOW it will all turn out better than good.  Sounds simple enough, but the voices and opinions of others are crowding in on me so intensely right now that I question that quiet space and that quiet voice…. Am I delusional??? Do I ACTUALLY HEAR!?  Or am I just making it up???  If I’m wrong, I’m in big trouble!  And each day my pit grows deeper.

But God is Good.

I just KNOW He is!

Or Hope He is.

I think He is…

Carrying on.

As for blogging… Thanks for the vote of confidence.  And I ABSOLUTELY confirm the same for you!!!  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE write as much as you can!  You have no idea how helpful you are to me by just being YOU.  The more details the better.  I think I commented already on your post about wanting to see more photos of the “stubby-legs” do’s and dont’s before and after etc etc… It’s really helpful!  NEED   MORE   OF   POLLY   BLACKLER/PARRIE.  And ABSOLUTELY write whatever the heck you want!!!!  If it comes from YOU it is automatically good.  There’s just something so refreshing about people BEing sincerely who they were created to BE… no pretense… no copying… no special adjustments to please the ‘audience’.  In fact… I’m wondering if I can post these last couple e-mails because they are Real and Raw and I think it helps others to be the same… you ok with that?  Oh… and to follow the blog I think there is a tab somewhere on the screen that you can click on to “follow”.  I found it on yours and I get emails whenever you post something new.  I LOVE those emails! 🙂

On a lighter note… Dusty and I get to take our long weekend starting TOMORROW!!!  I can’t wait!!!  What a gift and a treasure.  And especially exciting because it fell into our laps without us having to ask or conjure it up.  I am tempted to pick up from here and start “planning”, but shall resist.  He did such a good job taking care of things up to now that I better Trust He has the rest already sorted…. and certainly better than I ever could.  I’m excited to see what comes!

Thanks again for listening (reading) to my rantings!

Tica

May 22, 2013 (from America)

(on dreams from last night) All i remember is doing in vitro so i could have more babes? Makes me really understand why steph doesnt want to go that route…id rather Hs heal my tubes and see a miracle, but isnt medical science a miracle….also is my sinsickness of having an uncapable body because of my choice something not considered a sickness or healing worthy because it was my blatant choice

May 23, 2013 (from New Zealand)

As for sin and sickness… From my perspective ALL sickness is a result of someone’s blatant decision… even if it goes all the way back to the Fall of Adam and Eve.  Some of the effects we feel in our life are connected to blatant choices that WE have made and some a trickle-down from someone else’s decision.  Either way we need a Healer.  Can’t do it ourselves.  It will be a little off-track to this subject, but I’m going to copy for you at the end of this e-mail a letter I wrote to Nonnie following a dream I had about sin.  Sorry, may be off-track, but it is the main thing coming to mind right now… aside from telling you that I keep going back to the dream you had of you, me and Marcy all being pregnant with twins at the same time… each of us are in different “impossible” situations on the subject of fertility making that dream seem like an impossibility, but somehow the dream gives me hope, and I BELIEVE IT!  For ALL of us!  And at the same time too 🙂  I’d love to see that one come about!  I think its at least worth asking Him about again.

Before I tack on Non’s letter I wanted to slip in my own dream from last night while it’s fresh…

Dreamt that I was near to giving birth and starting labor but that Dusty suddenly lost interest in me… was annoyed with me and didn’t want to help me in my ‘needy’ state.  I was frantic and acted like a child screaming and yelling and crying and trying to manipulate him to turn back to me and have compassion and help me.  He only became more annoyed and locked himself in another room with another girl and a bottle of champagne.  It didn’t seem like he was “with” the other girl, but might as well have been, I felt so betrayed!  He was really just trying to escape me and ‘she’ had time and ability to sit with champagne and be “normal” because she wasn’t pregnant, nor did she have any children at all.  She could just sit and have calm conversation.  My labor stopped because of the trauma and I woke from the dream breathing hard, heart beating fast.  Funny how in the very moment, still caught up in the emotion of the dream I wanted to be SO MAD at Dusty who was sleeping peacefully next to me not having done anything wrong.  I’m learning how to shift more quickly though and turn to Heaven for input rather than jumping to conclusions.  This time as soon as I pressed in the first thing that came to me was the Kardashian sister who is pregnant.  I can’t remember her name but remember from headlines that the father’s name is Kanye (I remember it because I can’t figure out how to pronounce it!:) ).  Anyway, my heart broke (and still breaks) for her.  She just wants to be Loved and Supported and is probably screaming out for that but is getting no where.  It was as if I could feel her sadness and hopelessness.  And still do.  It hasn’t shifted.  I’m still pressing into this and wondering how to intercede effectively on her behalf.  That’s all I’m getting so far.  Not sure if the dream has personal significance or if it was made personal to me so that I would really feel the depth of her hurt thus imparting to me sincere empathy and compassion.  Interesting.  It makes me look at interpreting dreams a little differently… they don’t always seems to have the meaning I think they should have when taken at face-value.  When I look deeper it usually takes me to a place altogether different than my logical mind would naturally go.

Just another area to ponder…  And another area to feel like a fish-out-of-water in.  Sometimes I seriously wonder if I’ve gone off the deep end… and wonder how much further I will go before I think to turn back. Or not.  Maybe the deep end is right!  And maybe the deep end is foolish?  I suppose there’s no other way to find out except to jump in.

OMG… I am sending you SO much to read!  Holy Cow!!!  Save it for a rainy day if need be!!!

Here’s the dream sent to Non….

(letter sent March 30, 2013)

Hi Non!

It’s been a little while since I last touched base.  Trailing my last note to you about mysterious physical manifestations I am relieved that the distress over my bloated tummy is in fact pregnancy even though at the time I was sure it could not be.  Glad to have that confirmation :).  In the same note I mentioned a spot in my back as well, and have more unfolding with that one that I think you will find interesting.  Will try to relay it the best I can…

Very early morning on Good Friday I woke from a strange dream (maybe 2 a.m. ish?).  The dream itself is not as significant as what followed, although I will also relay the dream.

Dream… two different “sin” scenarios unfolded, one in which a young man was just being silly and foolish and inadvertently became wrapped up in a massive investigation in which he became a prime suspect for terrorism… completely not true, he just happened to make one silly mistake (sin) that threw him into a whirl of potentially terrible consequences.  The second part of the dream was an entirely different man, who was generally known as a really good guy, but in a state of absolute selfishness he publicly committed a blatant sin for his on pleasure.  He was called out on it and admitted to it, even admitted it was wrong, but showed no remorse.  He was driven by his selfish desire and blinded by pride.

Dream ends.  I wake up wondering what all of that was about?  Soon after, as I am contemplating (awake now), I sense sin (the blatant kind of the second man) in the Blackler family line.  I did not see specifically what the sin was, but sensed it took place many generations ago by one (or more) of our ancestors and it was blatant and awful.  The kind of sin that is deserving of punishment, and even the perpetrator knew it.  But was still unrepentant.  I think partly because the sin was so grave that he/she knew there was NO possibility for reparation, and therefore hardness and pride took over and there was a cold-hearted “I don’t care. I wanted it so I took it. Piss off.” kind of attitude.  The sense then was that this sin became a scorn to the Blackler name and essentially put a curse on the line.  I could feel the sadness and futility of it all.  And I could feel the cold, sad heart of the ancestor(s) that committed it… wishing they could repair it, but knowing it was impossible.  And it was impossible!  I could feel it!

Then came Hope because my heart only knows to turn to Jesus.  Lying in my bed, hands outstretched, instinct took over and I called on the Blood of Jesus (the ‘Blood’ seemed particularly important, not to my conscious mind, but my Spirit knew it).  I thanked the Lord for revealing this sin to my heart, and asked that the Blood of Jesus cover and cleanse the sin of our fathers and the sins that have been subsequent through the lineage.  I could see as the Blood came down and immediately relieved the festering cancerous blackness of the sin and brought the distorted tissues back to full health.  I asked for the Blood to flow all the way back to the far reaches of the family line in the past, and all the way forward to the line that is and is to come.  I could see as the Blood began to flow rightly and asked that blockages be removed along the way (like clogged arteries that did not want to allow the blood to pass)… these were all opened and the blood flowed smoothly and openly unending in both directions, up and down the family line bringing life and healing where once lived the deserved curse of death.  I stayed in this position for what felt like a long while praying very specifically about each specific part revealed.  I do not remember all of those specific parts, but do remember a couple of things that stood out to me.  Some that I have not known in my theological upbringing.  One of them was a sense of the spirits of the perpetrators living in the hell they created for themselves (the fact of their sin and depravity)… I faced them directly and said to them “Look!  It is finished!  Jesus did it!  Look to Him and KNOW you are forgiven!  Look!  The line has been restored!  It is not lost.  It is not hopeless as you thought.”  It almost felt like they still had a choice to receive the forgiveness and to turn.  I did not see more and do not know what they chose.  That would be up to them.  I also recognized how certain behaviors that stemmed from the sin and its punishment have been manifesting in our family lately… I specifically saw it in myself and in Faith.  The trait is subtle and seemingly harmless in each of us, but it is dark and breeds sin nonetheless.  I will relay a recent event that displayed this… Faith and Aspen ride the bus to school and have to cross a fairly busy country road for pickup.  Twice in a short period of time, Faith was not paying attention and stepped into the road to cross and was nearly run over.  I am almost ALWAYS with the girls, but the first time it happened I was not… Faith almost did not tell me about that one.  The second time it happened, she was a short distance ahead of me on our commute to the bus waiting at the edge of the road when suddenly she started to dart into the road just as a car was nearly upon her.  She had not looked at first to see if a car was coming, she had only been staring at her destination.  Thankfully her eye caught the oncoming car and she pulled back just in time.  Foolish!  I of course talked with her about it immediately and we determined that there is never need to be in a hurry and that we will always cross the road together after we have thoroughly looked both ways.  I also gave instructions about crossing over at the end of the day during drop-off (at which time I am not always able to be there).  Turned out that the lady driving the car (incident when I was present) was a teacher at the girls’ school and she along with the school principle pulled the girls aside and talked to them about road safety (good for them!).  All of that was good and well, but what I noticed was that Faith, feeling foolish and stupid would not show remorse for what she had done, but maintained a sort of pride that would not allow her to simply say “I’m sorry–I made a mistake.”  I only picked up on it because of my spirit alerting me to it, and the fact that the very same trait is in me.  Subtle, and hard to deal with as I knew Faith would follow out instructions (for road safety), but I still knew there was something amiss.  I asked Father to help me out with this one and show me how to appropriately deal with it, because I felt at a total loss.  This dream/vision seemed to shed light on the issue, and revealed the trait as inherited; a behavior that neither of us directly procured for ourselves, but was a part of our DNA our genetic makeup.  Regardless of “fault” or origin we are responsible for our own choices and behaviors, but I felt like the revelation of the dream/vision was the Father’s kind way of showing me specifically how I needed to deal with this issue of the heart at its ROOT in both me and Faith (we could repent of our own sins, but the root of lay in our ancestry).  Again, much of this does not follow the theology I remember being taught, but I cannot deny the experience and will continue to ponder these things with HS (Holy Spirit) that I might know what is True.  In this light, I also kept seeing Martica (auntie) and suspected much of her behavior stemmed from a similar “inherited” place, but has manifested more blatantly than Faith and my manifestations due to different circumstances and personal decisions.  Either way, sin is sin… and in all our cases the Blood is the only hope for healing it… none of us have strength or willpower or resource enough to fix it on our own.

A couple of final observations… felt securely that the line was cleansed from beginning to end and felt led to declare that the Blood that is now flowing in THIS line is also legally allowed to flow to all spouses via the sacrament of marriage. Then declared that the blood would not stop there but would flow eternally reaching into other lineages through its trickle-down effect.

I’m sure you know this, but worth repeating. When the Lord has touched or cleansed something in the spirit, there seems to be a series of further adjustments that take place (spiritual and physical)… some of them momentarily uncomfortable.  But with an understanding of the bigger picture we can know that subsequent discomfort is actually a POSITIVE, and in turn approach said discomfort with Joy and Gratitude knowing it is a working out of something really beautiful… this shifts our prayer from what would instinctively be one of intercession and supplication to one of thanksgiving and praise; which are actually more appropriate for the occasion… The battle is over!  No need to fight any longer.  Time to rejoice and watch as the full manifestation of the victory comes into view.  I feel compelled bring this to attention as the cleansing and healing of the dream/vision was on behalf of the entire Blackler family line, and I suspect that any and all that have been touched by the curse (everyone, but some might be more strongly linked to it) will likely display some evidence of the shift (sometimes looks negative at first… like throwing up or purging… in my case my physical body will often get very weak and tired as my body catches up with my spirit)… If anything begins to manifest and display unusually in the next leg of the journey, it won’t hurt to check in with HS to see if it might be a result of this particular shift… what may appear to be another battle may actually be cause for rejoicing.

Ok… FINAL FINAL thoughts 🙂 … in the midst of my praying (which I did aloud in a whisper) Dusty turned over and spoke out in his sleep saying, “Oh! So that’s what it is!” … not sure if that was truly related or not, but fit in perfectly as if he picked up on what was happening in the spirit and was relieved to have understanding as to some of my behaviors as well 🙂 … I had to giggle at that :).  I think it significant that this came at the literal start of Good Friday… wee hours of the new day in New Zealand, which is the country that is first to see the light of each new day… felt I got to begin Good Friday on behalf of the family at the VERY START of it.  Last little interesting tidbit… after the session ended and I did not feel any need for further prayer I became sleepy again and rolled over to get comfy… as I was adjusting myself I felt and heard the “spot” in my back crack and pop like little bits of roughage were being broken apart.  One day later, I can still feel that spot in my spine, but it is very subtle, not NEAR as pronounced as it has been for the last 7 months.  Hmmm.

Lots of food for thought for my little brain!  Thought you might appreciate the story 🙂

Love you dear Auntie!

Tica

May 26, 2013 (from America)

Wow! Why not post that whole thing on the blog too 😉  and yes to posting our convos…any and all..ive got nothing to hide 😉 … just saw a pic ofcody and your boys roasting mallows!I’m so jealous but it makes me soooo happy seeing them all together! The uncles and aunts there will soon be out of ‘single infant mode” and will LOVE taking your kids…i sure miss that;(      about believing for twins! I got this hope in my heart reading that and minutes later it turned into doubt and frustration about my hopes and dreams…feeling that they’re meaningless and ‘probably not gods will’so they’ll never happen…i then looked up tube reversal and kinda felt sick inside and just wan god to do the untying ..but lost hope right after feeling the brief flutter in my heart. I’d LOVE LOVE love twins!!!!!!!!! Boys, girls, whatever!  My 3 babies are just waking so i will chat more later…we spend all day today at ethan and adylees 3rd bday at brian and chelseys and will have the parrie and blackler crews here tomorrow for avs party! As i made preparations for this big party all my heart wan5ed was for your kids to be the ones i was making party bags,bows,treats,and waterballoons for! I think from now on i need to send extra party bags to nz so your kids can feel involved;)   love you,cant wait to hear about your weekend!

I LOVE hearing from you… all the juicy bits… whether you agree or disagree or just need to rant… keep the comments coming!  

Alternatively, if you do not want your comments posted here for others to read, you may send me your thoughts and/or questions via email to thetommyproject@gmail.com.

Love BigSis

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