Following the last Post I have had several queries…
“Tica, what EXACTLY do you mean by “hanging up my running shoes”?”
To answer, I will again confidently state that my running days are over.
“OK, but what does that specifically translate to?”
“Cease Striving” is a journey I have been on for the last 7 years. Those two little words have brought me astonishing spiritual revelation, shifted my thinking more than any other Truth I can think of (outside of a revelation of The Father’s Love), and have transformed even my physical body (this one warrants its own post in the future).
You see, the runner in me is driven and strives… she is always pushing and trying hard to get somewhere or to improve something….
In short, my running personality makes me tired.
And that is why I mean it when I say “I am Finished.”
Finished Striving that is.
I choose instead to live my life as a Dance (thus the exchange for Pink Shoes). No longer driven by what I “should do” or who I “should be”, but moving according to the guidance and prompting of my partner, who is first The Lord, and second (but also importantly) my Dusty.
I can Trust.
I will not be led astray.
I do not need to worry.
I am not responsible to make-a-way as I felt was required in the past (thus my “drive” to push through and run hard). My ONLY job is to Yield to the Hand that Leads me.
“Tica, let’s cut to the chase, are you saying you are done having babies?”
To be honest with you, I would like to be done.
Mentally I have gone beyond my max.
Although it is not my desire to do another pregnancy and labor/delivery–I am willing.
“But why!? Why not just be done?”
Perhaps I am!
I am Content and feel Incredibly Blessed (how could I not with the gift of NINE gorgeous lives in my quiver when many who are willing have not one!).
On the other hand… due to the fact that the deepest cry of my heart is that I would reach my FULLEST potential on this Earth, and the fact that the only One Who knows the fullness of my potential is my Maker… I ultimately choose to Trust Him and His plan.
I am willing.
The Father has not put dreams and desires in me for no reason. I have no idea what having nine children has to do with some of those dreams. In fact, nine children is counter-intuitive to the fulfillment of most of them… I dream of “Selah”… of Land and Businesses, of Resorts and Coffee Shops, of Organic Gardens and Travel, of storming the worlds of Media and Fashion with the Beauty and Magnificence of Heaven (just to name a few!)… OOOH my heart stirs!
These dreams did not originate in me, so I reckon I am best to Trust the Dream-Maker to bring these Dreams to reality… and if He knows that 9 (or more) children will help get me there… SO BE IT.
Never have I seen or read of the Lord being reasonable; which is why 9 children makes perfectly-illogical logical sense.
“What about the second partner in this dance?”
Yup. Big consideration. And super-important to both me and The Lord.
Dusty too is done. He is tired and feels stretched-more-than-thin with time and energy and resources for the existing nine… and he’s looking forward to having adventures again with me and the kids, unhindered by pregnancy hormones and tiny babies. He embraces the nine we currently have whole-heartedly, but what/who we do not know we do not miss. And nine is more than enough!
I hear that. And I respect it. And I wonder where that will lead.
I trust this partner in the Dance as well, and believe the Lord will guide us both through this season.
“Have you considered birth-control… even just for a season?”
Yes. I’ve considered it many times. Its readily available, and made completely convenient in today’s society; in fact, if you choose NOT to use it, you are the outcast. After every birth, contraception has been highly encouraged, which is partially why, like an idiot I rebel. It alarms me that our world is so quick to take ‘control’… and in this case, to prevent and/or shut-off Life.
After many tear-filled hours of research on the topic I have a few solid convictions…
1 – I do not agree with almost all of the main-stream contraceptives that are used in or on the woman’s body. I am quite passionate about this. They are either too invasive to a very detailed and delicate system, or have a potential abortive factor. Both of which are cases of subtle cruelty in my mind, and my emotions cannot get a grip in this arena.
2 – I greatly desire to see women made WHOLE… not shut-down, shut-up and cut-off, restricted and formed to fit a particular mold.
(Here’s my soap-box moment for this post…)
WOMAN, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU. You deserve to be WHOLE and unhindered in your femininity, beauty and power. You have SO MUCH MORE POTENTIAL in you than you know!
But the enemy knows. And he has brilliantly sought to SHUT YOU DOWN.
And that is why I fight … or perhaps I should say, DANCE :).
3 – So much more to talk about in this arena, but suffice it to say for this article, as I move forward from here, I am certain that my body is not the place for life to be cut off. (See again WellnessMama on Contraception for a more thorough rundown.)
4 – As I’ve said before “what we do not know, we do not miss”… but I cannot help but wonder…
What are we missing???
If I had listened to ‘reason‘ and shut-down when I was “supposed” to, I would be missing an Aspen… a Betsy… a Wyatt, Nalia, Ted, and Lukas!
“What about Natural Family Planning (NFP)?”
Good point. I have two prejudices against this in my own life (NO judgment on others who use NFP, this is purely my experience) #1- It takes consistent and intentional effort that is draining for me, not life-giving. I have not to this point in my walk felt a Grace for NFP in my life, which means I would have to use my own human effort to walk NFP out, and I prefer to walk where their is Grace. I feel like I’m setting myself up for a lot of effort that will likely end in failure; which leads to #2- NFP is still taking CONTROL, albeit less intrusive and more “open” control, but for me control is control and it feels somewhat hypocritical to think that using NFP is not just another form of taking control.
“Doesn’t that eliminate everything?”
Not everything. Dusty and I are exploring a couple more thoughts. Time will tell.
“Sooooo what ARE you going to do?”
I am going to Trust. I am going to Flow. I am going to Respect my Dusty and give him freedom to choose without any attempt to manipulate. AND I am going to Respect Myself when it comes to my heart, my body and my convictions. I am going to hold my Dusty’s hand, and together we will dance this dance and see where it leads.