I admit up front that this thought is still in-process without final conclusion, but I feel it is still worth posting as the point of BeingBigSis is not to have all the answers, but to share the journey authentically, and this experience has been an important one for me…
On July 24, late in the evening, after all kiddos (but one) were tucked into bed, our little three-year-old Nalia plodded upstairs after a late-night snuggle with Daddy in the living room. She called out to me as she made her way to my bedside saying that she was tired and wanted to go to bed… good news to me as it was nearly 11 o’clock at night. She plunked her pile of books down at the foot of my bed and proceeded to fall backward onto her own little bed, which was on the floor next to mine. I found it funny how dramatically she threw herself into her bed, and made a comment as I glanced down at her. She did not reply and I assumed that upon her face (which I could not see from where I sat in my bed) she wore a cheeky grin as she teased me. So I made another comment, and again she was silent, which is not at all like our talkative Nalia Grace. My inner alarm went off and I swiftly slipped out of bed to see what might be amiss and found our little three year old not breathing with eyes rolled back in her head.
Calmly freaking out I called for Dusty as I grabbed our baby-girl and tried to stimulate her to breathe. Mind racing I cried out to Jesus. He is my go-to in all situations as I believe Him to be the Living embodiment of Wisdom. It has been my experience that God is present in EVERY situation I have faced and therefore, before I act (or even pray) I look to see where He is at, and what He is doing.
I searched for a moment and then an image appeared in my mind… I saw Jesus holding a life-less Nalia with tears streaming down His face. For a quick moment I was relieved …
Good. There He is.
“What are You doing Lord so I can align my heart, actions and prayers with yours? Why are You sad? Why are You crying? Should I be crying too!?”
“Oh no!! Should I be afraid? Is she going to die!?”
FEAR. FEAR. FEAR.
Wait a minute!
“Fear is NOT from God. So why am I experiencing fear in the presence of Jesus???”
“Or is that really Jesus?”
As soon as I asked the question, the image in my mind flickered, as if it were a hologram.
I mean WHOA! Is it possible that the image was not the Real Jesus!?
Image flickers again.
And I think to myself… perhaps this isn’t Jesus.
I have gained much Guidance and Wisdom from visions in my journey, so I am pretty familiar with having them… But something about this vision didn’t line up with other things I know to be True…
- Spiritual matters aside, in a medical emergency panic and fear never help. I knew I would not make wise choices if I chose to imitate the vision and become a puddle of tears. I needed a calm, clear mind and precise directives to manage the emergency well. The Lord is ‘Master Physician’, He would know to remain calm, and He would not be shaken in the midst of an emergency. He would be Clear and Calm and Confident. No emergency is too big or scary for Him. HE trumps all.
- God is Good ALL THE TIME… no matter what is going on… no matter the situation or the circumstance.
- God is with me ALWAYS… I don’t have to wait for Him to show up because He is already present. My goal is to find where He is at, and to imitate what He is doing.
- God is Trustworthy and He Cares.
- NOTHING is too big for God to handle. There is no problem or illness or situation too great for Him.
- God told us SO MANY TIMES in the Bible “DO NOT BE AFRAID”, so I can be 100% assured that fear and the source thereof are not from God.
- God is available for council AT ALL TIMES. I am never alone.
- God knows every tiny detail surrounding each of our situations and He Knows the absolute Best way to navigate even the most twisted of stories to bring us through any labyrinth… with relative swiftness and in a way that prospers us in the end.
- In EVERY situation there is a Gift (or Gifts) available… I am always on the lookout for these… especially in the toughest places.
- God is not only Good, but He is KIND and I can totally and completely Trust and lean on Him.
- Grief has a place, but it is only meant to last a short time. Sorrow lasts for a night, but Joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30). I anchor myself to the Joy set before me, which carries me through the dark of night. So much so, that my attention is hardly on the darkness and already my heart begins to rejoice in what is to come.
- If the Spirit of God is present at all times I expect that the Fruits of The Spirit are present and available as well. Not only do I want HIM (Holy Spirit), but I want His Gifts (i.e. Fruits of the Spirit… Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Self-control) because He wants me to have them… Gifts to flow to me and then through me. I denote emphatically that grief, sorrow, mourning, and fear are not Fruits of the Spirit; if my life is receiving and out-pouring these I have to question WHAT IS MY SOURCE? What am I rooted in? Perhaps the source looks spiritual… maybe even like Jesus… but not.
- When I need to be strengthened, the Bible tells me that it is the JOY of the Lord that is my strength, not sorrow or mourning or grief (Nehemiah 8:10). When I need strength, I look for Joy.
- Fear is NOT a True friend. Fear has tried to make us think that we need him around to protect and alert us to trouble. That is a LIE. Fear is NOT our friend. He does not help. He disables and saps our strength.
With all these thoughts swirling, I also had this specific revelation… IF Nalia was going to die… as in… IF it was in fact her ORDAINED time to go be with the Father, Jesus knows what I would respond best to. I mean, if it was time for Nalia to be birthed into Heaven, I imagine Jesus would be Rejoicing because all that the Father does is Good and Right and Pure and for the Best, and Jesus would be showing me how to Rejoice and not weep. He would know I would be sad to let her go, but He knows my heart Trusts in Him, and that if He asked me to, I would Trust in His Plan and His Timing in taking her. But he wept. And I had fear. And fear is not of God. So in spite of the emotion and turbulence and scariness of the now several minutes of non-breathing, blue-lipped awfulness, I screamed in my spirit a loud NO! to what I perceived to be a false-Jesus… an anti-christ.
And the vision flickered again.
I will NOT stand in agreement with sorrow and grief if it is not from the Lord. And I will most certainly NOT agree with a death sentence that is not ordained by the Father.
After about 5 minutes of no breath with the paramedics on their way, Nalia began to stir and to take her first breaths. Utter relief to see the blue begin to fade and to hear the shallow breaths being taken into her unconscious body. Amazing how the body works. Amazing that Nalia didn’t even know what was going on. And when she woke in the hospital several hours later with pampering nurses and doctors all around her, she thought she had won a trip to kid-land.
Her journey did not stop there. And continues on today. Turns out Nalia had a seizure that night… a blip in the brain… kind of like when the computer has too many programs running and not enough juice to run them all and the little spinner starts spinning to let you know it’s been overloaded. We hoped it would be a one-off event, as many seizures are, but she had another a week and half later on the night of her 4th birthday, then another a week after that… then they came daily, then all throughout the day and all through the night. We hardly slept. After 5 emergency calls, several ambulance rides, and several bumps and bruises on her poor little head we have finally been connected to good doctors and effective medicine. An MRI is scheduled to assure there is nothing else going on in her head. And the doctors are giving a preliminary diagnosis of childhood epilepsy. She is responding well to sodium valproate and has been seizure-free for 3 weeks now. Life is just beginning to stabilize again.
Certainly there will be more to share on this journey, but for today I continue to wonder at the vision of Jesus on that first night with Nalia, and my heart continues to cry out as fervently as ever for T-R-U-T-H.